This reportedly is an actual job application
a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food
establishment in Florida...and they hired him
because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect
the guilty)
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right
person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President
or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle
management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,
Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes,
but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If
I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of
what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that
runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks
yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy
dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes.
Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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